We often label kids—stubborn, loud, grumpy, rude, short attention span, disrespectful, mean, —as if these traits are inherent in them. People often say or think to ourselves, "He's so grumpy," after a cranky morning, "You're rude!" when they say something mean, or think "Why is she always so crazy?" "Why don't you ever listen?"
As innocent as these thoughts and statements might seem, they are dangerous: We label the child, instead of the action.
Calling or thinking of a child as "stubborn" reinforces the idea that they—as a person—are stubborn, when really, it's the behavior that was challenging. Even if you know they are not stubborn 24/7, labeling them as such sends the message that they may be inherently stubborn.
Why should we notice these slight changes in how we speak to kids?
Labeling and talking about who they are as a person makes it seem much harder to change, just as saying you're tall or short, have black hair or brown or live in New York or Florida. These are more "permanent" traits that we tie to who we are.
So, when a child hears you—whether through your words or in your subconscious behaviors—describe them as stubborn, they begin to believe that this is simply who they are and that it'd be pretty difficult to change.
It's the difference between saying "You're a bad boy" and "You did a bad thing." Now we're labeling the action, behavior, or feeling. Even if he pulled his sister's hair, threw the remote control at the television, or ran into the parking lot, he as a person is not "bad"—only his behaviors and choices. He's not a challenging person—he behaved in challenging ways.
The good news? Thoughts, behaviors, and feelings are much easier to change.
When you label the "easy to change" stuff like actions and behaviors, they know that by making better choices, they can turn things around. They also knows that, regardless of how they behave, who they are as a person is still good and they are loved.
So, try it today: Notice how you speak to or think about your child, and try to steer clear of placing "permanent" labels. Instead, label the more "changeable" parts, like choices, actions, and behavior.
How does labeling the action make a difference in the way you talk to or think about your child? Hit "reply" and let me know!
